Family friend. Husband's friends Family friend for husband and wife

The institution of the family rests on the word of honor. A generation ago, hardly anyone would have dared to state publicly that children are a burden, there is no need to get married, and a series of remarriages is wonderful.

Traditional marriage takes on new forms: spouses live separately and visit each other, or, conversely, live together, but not married, or married, but allow each other any pranks on the side. Nevertheless, black cars with gold rings on top are still parked on Poklonnaya Gora. Brides come out of them, picking up skirts, and aunts in registry offices with state metal in their voices congratulate the newlyweds. What makes intelligent adults perform this cumbersome ritual? Why do we even declare ourselves a family? There are several reasons, says Mikhail Papush, a member of the European Association of Psychotherapists. One of them is that a person came up with myths about the family, believed them, and now is struggling to bring them to life.

“In our culture, a couple's life is shaped into a family. And for almost everyone, the family turns out to be a problem, because the myths about the family are unrealizable. At least the myth that the family is both romantic love and reliability. People do not know how to combine spontaneous and free romantic love in marriage, or rather falling in love, the life of which is limited, with an established life. This life involves a lot of mutual obligations, including, according to the myth, sexual fidelity.

In addition, men and women tend to be infantile and self-centered. A man wants to be loved and served, lived by his values ​​and interests. A woman - to be loved and lived by this love. Everyone wants to receive, but no one is going to give, and both are offended. A 26-year-old man, co-owner of the company, came to me. His wife left him, a sweet girl. He sits, pounding his knee with his fist and growls directly: “Well, why is she leaving? After all, I felt so good with her!”

Women resent the fact that he is inattentive, devotes little time to her and the children. He really tries to be somewhere far away, at work at best. Because they bored him.

And on his part, resentment that she does not care about him, they say, “I earn money for them all day long, but she doesn’t carry cabbage soup to me in her beak.”

- Why, when entering into marriage, people think that the second half owes them everything?

- The myth of love is built on a story about courtship, most fairy tales end in a wedding. But the myth works even after marriage. It is believed that such love as it was before marriage should always be in the family. In fact, the period of courtship, when he throws everything at her feet, is one mode of existence and mental activity, and ordinary life is completely different. The husband has to work, and he cannot devote all his time to her, just like the wife to him. Few people understand this. And she is much more busy with the baby than with her husband. And he is confused. Just now he had everything, and suddenly almost nothing. People are trying to get used to it. At best, he begins to work more and is engaged in self-education.

But not as a child and not as a wife.

“It's not instinctive. In general, male care for children is a rare thing. So, the husband found himself in work, growing in the service, busy. A year has passed, a year and a half, the wife is no longer so busy with the child and is ready to “return” to her husband, but he is gone. If he wants love now, he will seek it not with her. And in a good way, when a woman becomes pregnant, it is necessary that a man include this circumstance in his life, so that they prepare together for the appearance of a child. If before that everything was fine with them, if there was a completeness of the relationship, they supplement this completeness with a child. And when she is again ready to tear herself away from the baby and go out to meet him, the man will meet her, because all this time they have been together in spirit.

In a marriage between spouses, there is not only a relationship about falling in love, but a lot of very different relationships, for a variety of reasons. Relationships in everyday life are one thing, in connection with some common interests - another, sexual relations - a third. Spouses, entering into this relationship, are in different states. In the state of "night love" they see each other in a special way. In the morning at breakfast, they see each other differently. And this transition, like other transitions, like the transition from courtship to everyday life, must be very subtly organized. It must be understood that the delight that was at night cannot be reproduced in the morning, and this is not necessary. Often this difference causes a terrible bewilderment. “Just now I was crazy about her, and now I’m looking - well, aunt and aunt, what should I do with her?” We need to know this and, when creating a family, think about who we are to each other not only in the heat of desire, but also in life.

“Sexual interest in marriage blunts over the years, it’s common knowledge. However, it is customary to demand fidelity from each other. Why is such loyalty necessary?

- It acts as a sign of chosenness. "If he preferred another to me, then I'm not good." "If she preferred another to me, I'm not good." And although in modern families there is often sexual dissatisfaction, one-sided or mutual, infidelity is perceived as a threat to an established family life. Sexuality, by the way, is not always the most important thing in marriage, often not even the most important. The couple can also be held together by other bonds. For example, a henpecked man needs female heel, it may be no less strong instinctive need than sexual desires. In addition, people get used to living together, it is difficult for them to refuse it, and even in the absence of children, they cling to each other, unable to live independently.

- What's wrong with that? They live and live, maybe it's easier for them.

- The trouble is that such relationships are standardized, people stop noticing each other - they just live together, because it’s more convenient, they don’t even talk about love. The life of such a couple becomes rather dull. It's not even cynicism, it's indifference. If you do not want to live sadly, decide for yourself what you want. Answer yourself the question of what is more important for you - spontaneous romantic love or domestic reliability, an established life. In a family, one rarely gets along with the other. Answer and decide whether you stay in this family or leave. And depending on this decision, you either adapt or say “this doesn’t suit me”. But in this place, everyone “hangs” endlessly: they are dissatisfied, and they don’t leave, and whine. If you didn't leave, then you stayed. If you stay, be kind enough to adapt and establish a satisfactory life, as far as you can and how well you can.

This decision is apparently not easy. Those who stay because “I want to be with this person” are no more than a quarter of my clients. It is too difficult for another quarter to decide on changes, and the rest eventually admit that love is not the most important thing in their life, but reliability, comfort, and material conditions are more important. I have rarely seen families where husband and wife really love each other. If these people are relatively mature, their love has grown into love. A more accessible option is in a friendship that includes a satisfying sexual relationship. Such people can live together happily ever after.

But more often I meet with what I would call not love, but affection. In the sense of not “I love - I can’t live without you”, but “I can’t live on my own or on my own”. Feeling of one's own unviability ... here, perhaps, the formula "where am I without him (or without her)" is appropriate.

“About ten years ago, a sociologist told me that, having interviewed students about their amorous plans, his colleagues saw that young people are planning five to seven marriages in their lives. Fall out of love - fled, and again. Consistent polygamy. Is it really about this?

- In my opinion, no. Of those I know, most would like to get married once and for all, because the myth of either the only love or the only marriage is in everyone's head. And then, from work experience, I know that the repeated change of partners exhausts, tires a person. With every breakup, something is lost, gone. When in youth a person is looking for a mate, he is preparing to give, to invest a lot of himself in this couple. When a couple is formed, people open up to each other and really give a lot, and with the feeling that all these feelings, signs of love are “for you and only you.” For the second time, this feeling of “you, only you and no one else and never” disappears. And it is one of the important components of love.

So, if I were to give advice to these same students, I would say: walk while you walk, enter into temporary alliances, but only without children, and consider that this is temporary. But when you get serious, take it very seriously. There is more to be said about the stages. mental development. In adolescence, when puberty is already in full swing requires first romantic, then sexual relationships, and the mind is still half-childish, boyfriends and girlfriends are easily changed. And the stage of youth that follows it is the stage of choice: a profession, more global goals in life, a couple. When people get to this stage - and they should be at it in their 20s or so, but among my clients it usually happens in their 30s or 40s at best - so when and if a person reaches this stage of development, he chooses his life partner. And then a person begins to understand that falling in love, of course, is a necessary condition, but extremely insufficient. We also need compatibility, common life plans.

There is such an existential concept of "life project". How a person is going to live his life. And it is very important that these projects are compatible with partners. And if they are incompatible, then with very strong love, the situation turns out to be tragic: it is impossible for them to live together. There are men whose life project does not provide for a partnership with a woman at all, but puts something else in the first place, for example, creativity.

- Why not reconsider your project in order to be with this person?

- I know several cases when men tried to revise them. And every time I asked the question: what is more important to you, say, your research or a woman? They tried to pretend to be a woman, but the research was actually more important.

Is this a male trait?

- Women's individual project is a rare thing. As a rule, a woman has a project “to be with a man in a certain way,” but he does not want to. Then what should she do?

“Spit on him or adjust, I suppose.

— Here is a story about how you can combine two different life projects. He is an IT specialist high level He's terribly interested in it. And since childhood, she wanted many children. They got married, had children, now there are four of them. From the very beginning, she decided that since she and only she needed these children, she would deal with them herself, without interfering with him doing his business. At the same time, she has cabbage soup to his nose, and a shirt in the morning, and everyone is happy. She expects neither help nor excessive participation from him, she lets him live as he needs, and she lives as she needs. She wanted children - she has them, she is busy with them, and he earns money. The projects turned out to be compatible, since she did not demand participation from him.

But the story about incompatible projects. The woman was focused on the family, on home comfort, on the fact that "we had everything together." Family dinners, family outings, to keep him by her side. And the man was busy with his creativity, his work. He needed this woman in rare free hours. It so happened that they were both in love and attached to each other. It was precisely that “I want to be with you and only with you” - and they couldn’t, it didn’t work out. They parted very bitterly. But it was impossible for them to live together.

In another case, one businessman wanted his wife to meet him from work, sit at home, cook cabbage soup, and worry about his affairs with him. She had to be with him and for him, for him. And she married him, began to study, turned into a businesswoman - and began to compete fiercely with him in business, wanting to crush him (they were partners, or at least become equal with him). He was more experienced and stronger, he squeezed her out of business, and they dispersed. And love was the strongest. Compatibility of life projects is an important thing...

- How to calculate it? Just talk?

- Well, not only to talk, but to carefully watch how a person lives.

There is also such a thing: when young people come together, without life experience, they, listening to what a person has plans, think that he or she only says this, that this is not very serious and that “when we live together, then everything get better." But this is not so, and from the outside it can be seen. In such cases, I say: try not to do irreversible actions, do not have children, do not register in an apartment. Love - and love yourself.

In addition to the life project, there is also a very strict compatibility criterion: stratum affiliation. Educational background, attitude to money, social status. And if there is a misalliance in this part, the modern family quickly disintegrates. A misalliance is if, for example, she has a university education, and he is a driver. There can be a very strong sexual attraction between them, but they most likely will not succeed in a good family.

The topic of husband's friends is quite painful for many women who are not eager to share their precious spouse with someone else. Usually wives treat their husband's friends with great dislike and hatred, but this is not the rule.

The presence of friends and relationships with them leave a certain imprint on family relationships. The influence of relationships with friends should not be underestimated, since they, like ties with parents, are often more stable than family ties. Any attempt by a husband or wife to sever such ties or impose their friends can have a negative impact on the family. This kind of problem occurs in almost every family. Why is this happening?

Friends of spouses are the cause of disputes and conflicts in the family, especially at the beginning of family life. Before the wedding, each of the spouses had friends who were connected by interests, common views on life, memories, etc. Since there is less attention to friends after the wedding, naturally, they begin to be jealous and by any means, under any pretext, pull their husband out to friendly gatherings in cafes, bars, baths, etc. This is no longer good.

If friends do not yet have a family, this does not mean that they can snatch a dear spouse from his family. What woman will like it, especially if, after such pastimes, the husband returns home drunk. Dislike for the husband’s friends can also be caused by the fact that at any opportunity they can say unpleasant things about the spouse, for example, “She can’t cook” or “She’s not at all beautiful”, or “It was possible not to marry her at all” . Especially such hostility to friends arises if a woman becomes an unwitting witness to such a conversation. To endure such statements addressed to you, you must have really "iron" patience. It is better in no case to speak badly or critically of your husband's friends, as this will be an unforgivable mistake. And it is practically impossible to do anything with this, since the husband, most likely, will not refuse to communicate with old friends. Many women make a big mistake by putting spouses before a choice. Often the choice may not be in favor of the wife. Although a husband can love his wife very deeply, he cannot fundamentally refuse friends.

Another reason to dislike your husband's friends can be their abuse of your hospitality. It’s one thing when friends once a week or two with your spouse go out to sit somewhere (cafe, bar, football match, etc.), and it’s quite another if every day at the same time in the evening you have one and the same same impudent "erysipelas". In such a situation, a serious conversation with her husband is simply necessary. He must explain to his friends that he is now a family man with certain responsibilities, that you can only come to visit on certain days and hours. The excessive intrusiveness of the husband's friends, their lack of elementary rules of decency, when at any time of the day or night they call and ask to come to the rescue or lend money, is also the reason for the negative attitude of wives towards their husband's friends. Any woman from this will be, to put it mildly, not happy.

An important point in the relationship of the spouses is trust, so it’s better not to ask the husband every time about how and where he spent the evening with friends. If the spouses do not trust each other, family relationships deteriorate, and love is lost. All women are accustomed to thinking that those places that a husband and friends visit are hotbeds of debauchery, and that friends are trying to lead the faithful husband astray. However, this is not entirely true, since in most cases they rest there after a working day, discussing the latest news.

In general, is it worth it to endure your husband's friends, to make all sorts of concessions in this regard? If a woman loves her soul mate very much, is interested in maintaining relationships and family, then she must put up with the presence of her husband's friends, accept everything as it is and seek compromises.

I remember my surprise when my beloved teacher, to whom the girls and I confided our heart secrets - who likes whom - told us about how she got married. She and her husband studied together and were friends for a long time, well, in a simple way, and then somehow suddenly got married. It was a very happy and peaceful family.

It seemed to me, a teenager-maximalist, then - what nonsense else, to equate friendship! Love is hoo, how it will overwhelm, passion, languor, torment, but also sweetness. And friendship is boredom, something even and calm. Something opposite of love, too stable and ... too responsible. With love, it’s somehow easier - you fell out of love, well, what can you do, you can’t order your heart. And friendship, it requires much more sacrifice and effort.

Now I know that without friendship there is no way in love.

My husband and I have known each other for almost 20 years, and we have been friends for 20 years. Actually, our family was born and grew out of a long friendship. Friendship with all the consequences - with common interests, long conversations on various topics, disputes, trust in each other's heart secrets. And at the moment when there were frustrations (or downright tragedies, how many do you need at the age of 17-18 for a tragedy) on the romantic front, a true friend was there. So by the time some more than friendly romance appeared in our relationship, he knew everything about me. And I about him.

Oh, how many nerves we have saved in our family life thanks to this! And, no matter how many friends, girlfriends, even the oldest and beloved ones, I have, the best and, truly, I think, the only one, only he is a husband. Whom you trust completely and in everything, even in what is not intended for men's ears.

They say that friendship between a man and a woman is impossible. It's not true, it's possible. Only she can end with a wedding. And friendship is the strongest foundation for a family. Because passion either tends to sometimes fade, or even completely disappear. And without strong friendship, falling in love has no chance to turn into love.

I have long understood that nothing good can come of marriage according to the principle “You are Orthodox, I am Orthodox, which means that everything will be fine with us.” It will, perhaps, but not for long. On the first pious impulse. But rather, there will be the appearance that everything is good and correct. But, if there are no common interests other than faith, if there is not at least some commonality of characters, views, tastes, a similar sense of humor in the end, then very soon everything will begin to fall apart.

And at best, family life will continue out of inertia, out of habit, or on a bare sense of duty. A sense of duty that will collapse at the first sign of passion, any passion - whether it be carnal passion or love of alcohol or irritability, or stinginess, whatever. Or the wife will not be pious enough for her husband (or vice versa) and endless pressure and humiliation will begin ...

But in addition to all this, a person can experience a crisis of faith. Or even leave the church altogether. And what will bind the spouses then? What will save them and help the one who loses this faith to get out? I'm afraid nothing. Because there is no trust in your other half, but there is a doubt whether this is your half ... Yes, and this “half” does not really strive to be a support, because bitterness, resentment, and simple family worries seize it.

Alas, I see more and more sad examples when a family is tormented by two crises at the same time - faith and family. For some reason, more often it “sausages” men. And in this case, it’s even unclear who is harder - a woman who has no time to suffer especially, because the children are in her arms and she has to think what to do next, or a man who suddenly finds himself in the full feeling that absolutely everything in life was wrong, and especially marriage . Outwardly, of course, it’s harder for a woman (to be honest, I’m more on their side in such situations), but how is it really? Who has more opportunities not to lose heart, in the literal and figurative sense of this expression?

To be honest, it’s even hard for me to imagine this feeling - that you never really loved your spouse (or spouse), and something blurry and abstract once connected you. I think it's very scary and painful.

I by no means want to say that this can happen only in an Orthodox family, with people who get married in a neophyte impulse - a surge of passion that binds “ordinary”, non-church people in this sense is not at all more reliable.

And even if the family does not fall apart, but rests on a sense of duty or inertia, is it a family? When the husband does not want to go home, and the wife rejoices if he is late at work, when there is nothing to talk about except the budget, when either indifference or irritation hangs in the air all the time. And not temporarily, but forever. It may sound gloomy, but personally I think that there is no way out of this situation. It's sad, but the moment was missed at the very beginning. Probably, in the case of a very strong-willed and responsible person who is ready to love the unloved, a breakthrough and a miracle happen. But, alas, I have not seen such cases.

In general, whatever one may say, but without friendship in marriage you will not go anywhere. I can give a lot of examples, not from books and not even from the stories of "familiar acquaintances", but from my own observations.

Here are families with one child, ordinary average, non-believers: the husband proposed to his wife very romantically, without close acquaintance and, especially friendship, without really knowing anything about her, quickly got married, quickly got tired of each other, live by inertia, run the household together and raise a child, especially do not swear. The wife says - oh, how good it is when he leaves for a day. I remember being shocked when I first heard this. And this was at the beginning of family life, of all the participants in the conversation, I was married the longest at the time of that conversation, and I suffered terribly when my husband left for work for a day. And now I’m not at all surprised at such words (I don’t know what men say there, I’m more about women), because I hear this very often, alas.

From the families of believers, there are such striking examples when people who are radically different got married, but after all, both are Orthodox, so everything will be fine and right. And this led to the saddest consequences, even worse than those of unbelievers.

And here are the families in which the spouses studied together (cooked in various common parties, were counselors in the camp, had some kind of common hobby), no special romance in the generally accepted sense, long friendship, many for some time even without a shadow of thoughts about marriage and "relationships" - and now people have been together for many years, and they only become more interesting with each other. What's the secret?

Yes, there is no secret - ordinary friendship. Do not look for romance, passion, tears and sighs, but simply look for a friend with whom you are interested, whom you trust. And then cordial relationships, you see, will appear.

No wonder there is such an old name for a loved one - a friend of the heart.

Good day to all....
My story began not so long ago. I met my future husband a few years ago. I was 20 years old, he was 23. It was love at first sight. We met for a week, he proposed, we got married, we had a daughter. a caring father, he loves me, but very rarely expresses it emotionally. After giving birth, we became less close, the child is small, and I looked, to put it mildly, not in the best way. so to call him, More precisely, this is the best friend of her husband. He often visited us, but apart from hello, how are you, our communication was no different. He worked in another city. It all happened at the beginning of last year, having moved back, he began to visit us quite often. I never looked at him as a man. He is not beautiful, my husband is much more attractive, I never liked the lifestyle our friend (Sasha), how he communicates with girls. And then something inexplicable happened to me. I was in the hospital with the child and it was already the day of discharge and my husband could not come to pick us up, he asked Sasha to come. Sasha drove us home, helped bring the bag, and closing the door, I caught his look on me, which was incomprehensible and strange to me. After that, we rarely saw each other, but I began to look at him like a woman at a man, and not like a friend at a friend. But everything passed quickly and I forgot about it until the next meeting. Summer came and Sasha invited me and my husband to take a walk, we went to a bar, sat and chatted nicely and went to our house at home, the gatherings continued with jam and tea, we chatted, laughed. Husband went to bed, Sasha and I sat in the kitchen and continued to talk We always shared problems with each other, victories for everyone. After talking all night, we finally went to bed. In the morning, my husband went to work. I woke up, my daughter was still sleeping, I went to wake Sasha. and saying that I am a terrible person, Sasha grabbed my leg and threw me onto the bed and hugged me. I’m in shock, because I didn’t expect this, your heart is beating strongly, he said. what are you??
I just want to hug you...

I got up and went to make coffee. Sasha came and we sat down to drink coffee. Sasha came to visit us. And we again found ourselves in embraces ... and this went on for quite a long time for about a month, we hugged and chatted, it was
O
without kisses, without intimacy. We joked with him and said that it was very strange. The next month, at the next moment of our hugs, he kissed me ... and probably it all started with that. There was no intimate life with my husband. And Sasha is different he
gentle, affectionate, caring. we couldn’t sleep for a long time, as soon as it came to that, then he couldn’t then me. We felt that we were betraying a loved one, but we were drawn to each other. And it still happened. We were good together and in at the same time, I felt very bad because I was cheating on my husband, that I was betraying him. I was looking for an excuse
that my husband can cheat on me too. There were reasons to think so .... and I just didn’t have enough affection and care from him, and endless conversations on this topic did not give any results .... So 6 months passed. Sasha and I were like schoolchildren in love hiding in the corners. He never said that he loved me. But I felt that he had some feelings for me. He affectionately called me a little girl. We agreed with him that when our obsession ends, we will still communicate. but after he didn’t come to the meeting on my birthday. And for 2 months now he hasn’t been answering calls, letters. We stopped talking. I ask him to simply explain the reason for leaving, why ?? he didn’t explain anything, he just disappeared. I understand that we cannot be together. because I will never destroy a family, a child should have a father. I understand that I acted with my husband like the last woman, that she betrayed him, although he doesn’t know anything, but I’m disgusted by all this. I don’t know why I continue to write to Sasha, because he is everything - still doesn’t answer. It’s so disgusting in my soul, I really want to be healed of this addiction, but I can’t, I constantly think about him, about what happened, I sort through that day before it disappeared, every minute, second, I remember every word , why did he do this ... Everything is aggravated by the fact that I communicate very well with his mother, and of course I’m interested in how Sasha is doing. Sasha stopped communicating with many, went headlong into business. He told her that he was in a relationship. to throw it out of my heart, to get sick, to forget not to write and call into the void ...... Knowing myself, if he came and said everything honestly, I would not call, write to him and we just quietly dispersed, time would pass and we would become communicate as before when they were just friends, and without saying or explaining anything .... it's a shame that a person did so.
Sorry for the confusion of the text, it’s just that my head is really messy, it seems to me that my mind has gone to a psychiatric hospital